Thursday, December 13, 2007

Top Ten Nintendo Failures

Nintendo is having a phenomenal year but that seems to be an understatement. The Wii is currently the market leader with 16.29 million sold but this pales in comparison to the 59.51 units the Nintendo DS has sold.

This quite an achievement for Nintendo considering how the low penetration of the Gamecube during the last console wars. The only thing that keep Nintendo profitable was its dominating market share handheld s and its first-party exclusives on the Gamecube.

Honestly, how many gamers bought the Gamecube just to play Smash Bros Melee and Resident Evil 4?

Anyways, acknowledging one's successes is not nearly as entertaining as analyzing their failures.

So here are some of Nintendo"s biggest failures. Enjoy!

1. No blood in Mortal Kombat.

During the 16-bit era, the arcade game Mortal Kombat was ported for home release on the Mega Drive/Genesis and Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Nintendo decided to censor the game's gore, but Sega kept the content in the game, hoping to position their console as the more "mature" product.

Sega's gamble paid off, and its version of Mortal Kombat received generally higher and more favorable reviews in the gaming press. As a result of this, Nintendo reconsidered its position, and when Mortal Kombat was ported to the SNES, all of the violence was intact. Source.

What the fuck was Nintendo thinking? Who in the hell would want to play a Mortal Kombat game without blood?

That's like listening to a Phish record without having first blazed up a fat blunt. When a gamer goes out of his way to play a MK game, certain things are expected: gratuitous displays of gore,scantily clad female fighters with big-ass titties (just enough clothing to leave something to the imagination), and CPU bosses with ungodly strength and speed.

Fatalities aren't fatalities unless it ends with decapitation or some other morbid death sequence.

2. The E-Reader

Take bucket of Rosie O'Donald's shit, marinate it in a gallon of cow piss, and let in sit in the Sahara Desert for three days. After all that, it still wouldn't stink as much as the E-reader.

This was a blatant attempt by Nintendo to squeeze every ounce of money from its loyal followers.

The Game Boy Advance was always meant to be a portable device with low power consumption. I can't see how the E-reader fits in to that philosophy? I can only fit so many items into my pockets. If I was forced to choose between my bitchin' swiss army knife and a fucking E-reader. I'm gonna choose the goddamn knife!

You'll never know the day you're gonna have to fight off a sex-crazed Jamaican tranny with a 9 inch cock.

It could happen.

3. Virtual Boy

It was certainly one of Nintendo's most infamous products. It was meant to be a portable system but nothing about it screamed portable at all. It looked like a futuristic camera straight out of the Terminator.

Even our beloved Mario couldn't saved this system.

It was expensive as fuck, the games were shitty, and it was branded as the most advance system to date. Reminds me of the Playstation 3 actually.

You also have to remember that the N64 was coming out around the same cycle and the Virtual Boy was introduce to the mass market prematurely, to help ease the tensions of people waiting for the N64. Source

Lesson learned: When in doubt, delay! Don't bring a product to market until it is perfect.

4.The Nintendo Gamecube GBA Cable

In theory, it was a good idea but it required too many accessories. In order for it to work, you need a Gamecube, Gamecube game compatible with the GBA cable, and a Gameboy advance.

That was about a $400 investment just so I could upload my pokemon into Pokemon Colosseum.

Damn you Nintendo!!! Why don't I just hang myself with that damn GBA cord and call it a day.

5. No online on the Gamecube

Well to be fair, no console was truly pushing online play. The PS2 had online in a few games and the Xbox live was in the beginning stages.

Who know you could use the Internet for something besides porn and illegal downloads?

6. No Grand Theft Auto on the Gamecube

This had to have been the nail in coffin for the Gamecube. I know what you're thinking, "The Gamecube didn't have GTA . What's the big deal?"

Well, GTA went on to become one of the biggest franchises in gaming history sell over 50 million source.

It's understandable that gamers are not going to see a game with adult content anytime soon.

But Nintendo, give us GTA please!!!!

In what other game can you fuck hookers, shoot at cops, and rule a vast crime empire, huh?

Mario can be many things but a pimp isn't one of them.

7. The Gameboy Camera and Printer

A multimedia device that can do it all. Doesn't this sound familiar?

What could a boy do with this other than take a pic of his dick, print out the pic and stick it on his best friend's backpack.

This seemed doomed from the start. After all, when's the last time you took a picture in black and white?

8. Pictochat

This was a cool idea if it worked on the Nintendo Wi-Fi network but it doesn't. It only works with other DS sytems in you immediate vicinity.

Why use this piece of shit when you can just talk to the person you're communicating with?

well it is good for these things called PictoMations. Check out this video of a pictomation.

9. No Voice Chat

With Smash Bros Brawl coming in February and Mario Kart Wii due in the spring, a lack of voice chat is a major issue for gamers.

The Nintendo DS has voice chat so why doesn't the Wii have it?

But it is easy to understand why Nintendo would want to limit voice chat when you have assholes like this on Xbox live (see video below).

Oh and we can't forget the pedophiles! The last thing Nintendo wants is its beloved Wii being featured in an episode of To Catch A Predator.

10. Lack of Wavebird Controllers

Wireless controllers have become the industry standard for video games. Many Wii games give the player the option to use a Gamecube controller. Wired Gamecube controllers will not be sufficient.

I'm sick of motherfuckers tripping over my cord and putting my precious Wii in harm's way.

Also Smash Bros Brawl is coming and many fans don't want to play it with the Wii remote or classic controller.

We want a Gamecube controller, we want a Wavebird.